A Great "Old" Quote Collection
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
"We must recognize that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci “
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.” - Jennifer Yane
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.” - Rita Rudner
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." – Unknown
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." – Unknown
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.” - Ann Landers
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." – Unknown
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.” - John Mendoza
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." – Anonymous
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
"We must recognize that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci “
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.” - Jennifer Yane
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.” - Rita Rudner
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." – Unknown
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." – Unknown
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.” - Ann Landers
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." – Unknown
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.” - John Mendoza
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." – Anonymous
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
‘Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.’
Albert Einstein
Albert Einstein
"Victoria has a gold standard contact tracing system which is the envy of all other states" Dan Andrews
~ John Glenn...
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ Desmond Tutu...
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.
They said, “Let us pray.” We closed our eyes. When we opened them , we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ David Letterman...
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ Howard Hughes...
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit,I'm a billionaire.
~ Old Italian proverb...
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Betsy Salkind...
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Jean Kerr...
The only reason they say “Women and children first,” is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor...
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Jeff Foxworthy...
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Prince Philip...
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Emo Philips...
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Harrison Ford...
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Spike Milligan...
The best cure for Sea Sickness is to sit under a tree.
~ Robin Hall...
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke
~ Jean Rostand...
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger...
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ WH Auden...
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ Jonathan Katz...
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Johnny Carson...
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Warren Tantum...
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Steve Martin...
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Jimmy Durante...
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Doug Hanwell...
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ George Roberts...
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ Jonathan Winters...
If God had intended us to fly , he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Robert Benchley...
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ Desmond Tutu...
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.
They said, “Let us pray.” We closed our eyes. When we opened them , we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ David Letterman...
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ Howard Hughes...
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit,I'm a billionaire.
~ Old Italian proverb...
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Betsy Salkind...
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Jean Kerr...
The only reason they say “Women and children first,” is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor...
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Jeff Foxworthy...
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Prince Philip...
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Emo Philips...
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Harrison Ford...
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Spike Milligan...
The best cure for Sea Sickness is to sit under a tree.
~ Robin Hall...
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke
~ Jean Rostand...
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger...
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ WH Auden...
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ Jonathan Katz...
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Johnny Carson...
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Warren Tantum...
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Steve Martin...
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Jimmy Durante...
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Doug Hanwell...
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ George Roberts...
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ Jonathan Winters...
If God had intended us to fly , he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Robert Benchley...
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again…” — April 23, 1910, Citizenship in a Republic
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker.
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain.
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West.
- Forrest Tucker.
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain.
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West.
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,
'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
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'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
<><>
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
<><>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<><>
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
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Billy Connolly
"Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?"
"Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?"
I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
" Resentment is like drinking poison & waiting for the other person to die"
" Saying your an alcoholic & an addict is like saying you're from Los Angeles & from California" - Carrie Fisher
" Saying your an alcoholic & an addict is like saying you're from Los Angeles & from California" - Carrie Fisher
"A fly is as likely to land on shit as it is on pie"
" Cry as much as you want, you'll pee less" - Debbie Reynolds' Mum
" Cry as much as you want, you'll pee less" - Debbie Reynolds' Mum
‘Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.’
George Santayana, The Life of Reason
‘A nation of sheep will beget a government of wolves.’
Edward R Murrow
‘In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock.’
Thomas Jefferson
George Santayana, The Life of Reason
‘A nation of sheep will beget a government of wolves.’
Edward R Murrow
‘In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock.’
Thomas Jefferson
When asked about what he thinks about General “Mad Dog” Mattis being considered for Secretary of Defense, Rob O’Neill (the man who killed Bin Laden) said,
“General Mattis has a bear rug in his home, but it’s not dead, it’s just afraid to move”.
“General Mattis has a bear rug in his home, but it’s not dead, it’s just afraid to move”.
‘The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.’
— George Bernard Shaw
— George Bernard Shaw
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Am ringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism." I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them". ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952.. A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981) We hang petty thieves and appoint the bigger thieves to public office. ~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become PM; I'm beginning to believe it. ~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone. Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~John Quinton, American actor/writer What happens if a politician drowns in a river? That is pollution. What happens if all of them drown? That is a solution ....!!! On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." --A congressional candidate in Texas. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.." --Al Gore, Vice President ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March, 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may re-apply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, What a Brilliant Definition For the last six odd years, almost all of the things I wanted to write or say, have been stymied by that modern term referred to as ‘POLITICAL CORRECTNESS’.. Although I consider myself reasonably fluent in English, that term was not in my vocabulary. Curiosity got the better of me so I decided to do a little research, and after two weeks of chasing fruitless leads, I found what I’d been looking for at the Truman Library and Museum in Independence Missouri . An unnamed source there sent me copies of four telegrams between then-President Harry Truman and Gen Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual signing of the WW2 Surrender Agreement in September 1945.. The contents of those four telegrams below are exactly as received at the end of the war - not a word has been added or deleted! ---------------------------------------- (1) Tokyo , Japan 0800-September 1,1945 To: President Harry S Truman From: General D A MacArthur Tomorrow we meet with those yellow-bellied bastards and sign the Surrender Documents, any last minute instructions? ---------------------------------------- (2) Washington, D C 1300-September 1, 1945 To: D A MacArthur From: H S Truman Congratulations, job well done, but you must tone down your obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the terms of the surrender with the press, because some of your remarks are fundamentally not politically correct! ---------------------------------------- (3) Tokyo , Japan 1630-September 1, 1945 To: H S Truman From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean? ---------------------------------------- (4) Washington, D C 2120-September 1, 1945 To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz From: H S Truman Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end! ---------------------------------------- Now, with special thanks to the Truman Museum and Harry himself, you and I finally have a full understanding of what ‘POLITICAL CORRECTNESS’ really means. |
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said:
"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems. 1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 3 - Half the people you know are below average. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain. 9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand. 10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met. 12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now. 19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good. 20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name. 25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. 34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. And the all-time favorite: 35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work? FACTS YOU MAY NOT KNOW.....................
It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out And can be recycled an infinite amount of times! Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for Thousands of years . Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end . If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off. Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related Diseases. Z ero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers. The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year. Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 per cent Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear. Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the Hand of man Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density The University of Alaska spans four time zones The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself. In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of Marriage. Catching it meant she accepted. Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. A comet's tail always points away from the sun The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it Was intended to prevent Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that Is why it is Found in some medicines. The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights In armour raised their visors to reveal their identity If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see Stars, even in the middle of the day. When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is Sight In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred Grams The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 Metres Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set Up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down Everything weighs one percent less at the equator For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are Needed at lift-off The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements. If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility ...... Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?' A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.' Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?' A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.' Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?' A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.' Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?' A: 'Yes sir, we do!' Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?' A: 'Yes, sir, I do.' Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?' A: 'Yes, sir.' Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?' A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.' The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win. Number 2: Now We Know Why He Was a General ----- In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. His answer was classic Schwarzkopf. The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function... OUR job is to arrange the meeting." NUMBER 3 Dana Perino (FOX News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy SEAL. After discussing all the countries that he had been sent to, she asked if they had to learn several languages? "Oh, no ma'am, we don't go there to talk." NUMBER 4 Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . Iranian Air Defense Site: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.' Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.' Air Defense Site: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!' Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 Fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!' Air Defense Site: ( ... Total silence) |
Prince Phillip's 90 Best Quotes
1 After being told that Madonna was singing the Die Another Day theme in 2002: “Are we going to need ear plugs?”
2 To a car park attendant who didn’t recognise him in 1997, he snapped: “You bloody silly fool!”
3 To Simon Kelner, republican editor of The Independent, at Windsor Castle reception: “What are you doing here?” “I was invited, sir.” Philip: “Well, you didn’t have to come.”
4 To female sea cadet last year: “Do you work in a strip club?”
5 To expats in Abu Dhabi last year: “Are you running away from something?”
6 After accepting a conservation award in Thailand in 1991: “Your country is one of the most notorious centres of trading in endangered species.”
7 At a project to protect turtle doves in Anguilla in 1965, he said: “Cats kill far more birds than men. Why don’t you have a slogan: ‘Kill a cat and save a bird?’”
8 To multi-ethnic Britain’s Got Talent 2009 winners Diversity: “Are you all one family?”
1 After being told that Madonna was singing the Die Another Day theme in 2002: “Are we going to need ear plugs?”
2 To a car park attendant who didn’t recognise him in 1997, he snapped: “You bloody silly fool!”
3 To Simon Kelner, republican editor of The Independent, at Windsor Castle reception: “What are you doing here?” “I was invited, sir.” Philip: “Well, you didn’t have to come.”
4 To female sea cadet last year: “Do you work in a strip club?”
5 To expats in Abu Dhabi last year: “Are you running away from something?”
6 After accepting a conservation award in Thailand in 1991: “Your country is one of the most notorious centres of trading in endangered species.”
7 At a project to protect turtle doves in Anguilla in 1965, he said: “Cats kill far more birds than men. Why don’t you have a slogan: ‘Kill a cat and save a bird?’”
8 To multi-ethnic Britain’s Got Talent 2009 winners Diversity: “Are you all one family?”
9 To President of Nigeria, who was in national dress, 2003: “You look like you’re ready for bed!”
10 His description of Beijing, during a visit there in 1986: “Ghastly.”
11 At Hertfordshire University, 2003: “During the Blitz, a lot of shops had their windows blown in and put up notices saying, ‘More open than usual’. I now declare this place more open than usual.”
12 To deaf children by steel band, 2000: “Deaf? If you’re near there, no wonder you are deaf.”
13 To a tourist in Budapest in 1993: “You can’t have been here long, you haven’t got a pot belly.”
14 To a British trekker in Papua New Guinea, 1998: “You managed not to get eaten then?”
15 His verdict on Stoke-on-Trent, during a visit in 1997: “Ghastly.”
16 To Atul Patel at reception for influential Indians, 2009: “There’s a lot of your family in tonight.”
17 Peering at a fuse box in a Scottish factory, he said: “It looks as though it was put in by an Indian.” He later backtracked: “I meant to say cowboys.”
18 To Lockerbie residents after plane bombing, 1993: “People say after a fire it’s water damage that’s the worst. We’re still drying out Windsor Castle.”
19 In Canada in 1976: “We don’t come here for our health.”
20 “I never see any home cooking – all I get is fancy stuff.” 1987
21 On the Duke of York’s house, 1986: “It looks like a tart’s bedroom.”
22 Using Hitler’s title to address German chancellor Helmut Kohl in 1997, he called him: “Reichskanzler.”
23 “We go into the red next year... I shall have to give up polo.” 1969.
24 At party in 2004: “Bugger the table plan, give me my dinner!”
25 To a woman solicitor, 1987: “I thought it was against the law for a woman to solicit.”
26 To a civil servant, 1970: “You’re just a silly little Whitehall twit: you don’t trust me and I don’t trust you.”
27 On the 1981 recession: “A few years ago, everybody was saying we must have more leisure, everyone’s working too much. Now everybody’s got more leisure time they’re complaining they’re unemployed. People don’t seem to make up their minds what they want.”
28 On the new £18million British Embassy in Berlin in 2000: “It’s a vast waste of space.”
29 After Dunblane massacre, 1996: “If a cricketer suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, are you going to ban cricket bats?”
30 To the Aircraft Research Association in 2002: “If you travel as much as we do, you appreciate the improvements in aircraft design of less noise and more comfort – provided you don’t travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly.”
31 On stress counselling for servicemen in 1995: “We didn’t have counsellors rushing around every time somebody let off a gun. You just got on with it!”
32 On Tom Jones, 1969: “It’s difficult to see how it’s possible to become immensely valuable by singing what are the most hideous songs.”
33 To the Scottish WI in 1961: “British women can’t cook.”
34 To then Paraguay dictator General Stroessner: “It’s a pleasure to be in a country that isn’t ruled by its people.”
35 To Cayman Islanders: “Aren’t most of you descended from pirates?”
10 His description of Beijing, during a visit there in 1986: “Ghastly.”
11 At Hertfordshire University, 2003: “During the Blitz, a lot of shops had their windows blown in and put up notices saying, ‘More open than usual’. I now declare this place more open than usual.”
12 To deaf children by steel band, 2000: “Deaf? If you’re near there, no wonder you are deaf.”
13 To a tourist in Budapest in 1993: “You can’t have been here long, you haven’t got a pot belly.”
14 To a British trekker in Papua New Guinea, 1998: “You managed not to get eaten then?”
15 His verdict on Stoke-on-Trent, during a visit in 1997: “Ghastly.”
16 To Atul Patel at reception for influential Indians, 2009: “There’s a lot of your family in tonight.”
17 Peering at a fuse box in a Scottish factory, he said: “It looks as though it was put in by an Indian.” He later backtracked: “I meant to say cowboys.”
18 To Lockerbie residents after plane bombing, 1993: “People say after a fire it’s water damage that’s the worst. We’re still drying out Windsor Castle.”
19 In Canada in 1976: “We don’t come here for our health.”
20 “I never see any home cooking – all I get is fancy stuff.” 1987
21 On the Duke of York’s house, 1986: “It looks like a tart’s bedroom.”
22 Using Hitler’s title to address German chancellor Helmut Kohl in 1997, he called him: “Reichskanzler.”
23 “We go into the red next year... I shall have to give up polo.” 1969.
24 At party in 2004: “Bugger the table plan, give me my dinner!”
25 To a woman solicitor, 1987: “I thought it was against the law for a woman to solicit.”
26 To a civil servant, 1970: “You’re just a silly little Whitehall twit: you don’t trust me and I don’t trust you.”
27 On the 1981 recession: “A few years ago, everybody was saying we must have more leisure, everyone’s working too much. Now everybody’s got more leisure time they’re complaining they’re unemployed. People don’t seem to make up their minds what they want.”
28 On the new £18million British Embassy in Berlin in 2000: “It’s a vast waste of space.”
29 After Dunblane massacre, 1996: “If a cricketer suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, are you going to ban cricket bats?”
30 To the Aircraft Research Association in 2002: “If you travel as much as we do, you appreciate the improvements in aircraft design of less noise and more comfort – provided you don’t travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly.”
31 On stress counselling for servicemen in 1995: “We didn’t have counsellors rushing around every time somebody let off a gun. You just got on with it!”
32 On Tom Jones, 1969: “It’s difficult to see how it’s possible to become immensely valuable by singing what are the most hideous songs.”
33 To the Scottish WI in 1961: “British women can’t cook.”
34 To then Paraguay dictator General Stroessner: “It’s a pleasure to be in a country that isn’t ruled by its people.”
35 To Cayman Islanders: “Aren’t most of you descended from pirates?”
36 To Scottish driving instructor, 1995: “How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?”
37 At a WF meeting in 1986: “If it has four legs and it’s not a chair, if it’s got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane and if it swims and it’s not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it.”
38 “You ARE a woman, aren’t you?” Kenya, 1984.
39 A VIP at a local airport asked HRH: “What was your flight, like, Your Royal Highness? Philip: “Have you ever flown in a plane?” VIP: “Oh yes, sir, many times.” “Well,” said Philip, “it was just like that.”
40 On Ethiopian art, 1965: “It looks like the kind of thing my daughter would bring back from school art lessons.”
41 To a fashion writer in 1993: “You’re not wearing mink knickers,are you?”
42 To Susan Edwards and her guide dog in 2002: “They have eating dogs for the anorexic now.”
43 When offered wine in Rome in 2000, he snapped: “I don’t care what kind it is, just get me a beer!”
44 “I’d like to go to Russia very much – although the bastards murdered half my family.” 1967.
45 At City Hall in 2002: “If we could just stop the tourism, we could stop the congestion.”
46 On seeing a piezo-meter water gauge in Australia: “A pissometer?”
47“You have mosquitoes. I have the Press.” To matron of Caribbean hospital, 1966.
48 At a Bangladeshi youth club in 2002:“So who’s on drugs here?... HE looks as if he’s on drugs.”
49 To achildren’s band in Australia in 2002: “You were playing your instruments? Or do you have tape recorders under your seats?”
50 At Duke of Edinburgh Awards scheme, 2006. “Young people are the same as they always were. Just as ignorant.”
51 On how difficult it is in Britain to get rich: “What about Tom Jones? He’s made a million and he’s a bloody awful singer.”
52 To Elton John on his gold Aston Martin in 2001: “Oh, it’s you that owns that ghastly car, is it?”
53 At an engineering school closed so he could officially open it, 2005: “It doesn’t look like much work goes on at this university.”
37 At a WF meeting in 1986: “If it has four legs and it’s not a chair, if it’s got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane and if it swims and it’s not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it.”
38 “You ARE a woman, aren’t you?” Kenya, 1984.
39 A VIP at a local airport asked HRH: “What was your flight, like, Your Royal Highness? Philip: “Have you ever flown in a plane?” VIP: “Oh yes, sir, many times.” “Well,” said Philip, “it was just like that.”
40 On Ethiopian art, 1965: “It looks like the kind of thing my daughter would bring back from school art lessons.”
41 To a fashion writer in 1993: “You’re not wearing mink knickers,are you?”
42 To Susan Edwards and her guide dog in 2002: “They have eating dogs for the anorexic now.”
43 When offered wine in Rome in 2000, he snapped: “I don’t care what kind it is, just get me a beer!”
44 “I’d like to go to Russia very much – although the bastards murdered half my family.” 1967.
45 At City Hall in 2002: “If we could just stop the tourism, we could stop the congestion.”
46 On seeing a piezo-meter water gauge in Australia: “A pissometer?”
47“You have mosquitoes. I have the Press.” To matron of Caribbean hospital, 1966.
48 At a Bangladeshi youth club in 2002:“So who’s on drugs here?... HE looks as if he’s on drugs.”
49 To achildren’s band in Australia in 2002: “You were playing your instruments? Or do you have tape recorders under your seats?”
50 At Duke of Edinburgh Awards scheme, 2006. “Young people are the same as they always were. Just as ignorant.”
51 On how difficult it is in Britain to get rich: “What about Tom Jones? He’s made a million and he’s a bloody awful singer.”
52 To Elton John on his gold Aston Martin in 2001: “Oh, it’s you that owns that ghastly car, is it?”
53 At an engineering school closed so he could officially open it, 2005: “It doesn’t look like much work goes on at this university.”
54 To Aboriginal leader William Brin, Queensland, 2002: “Do you still throw spears at each other?”
55 At a Scottish fish farm: “Oh! You’re the people ruining the rivers.”
56 After a breakfast of bacon, eggs, smoked salmon, kedgeree, croissants and pain au chocolat – from Gallic chef Regis Crépy, 2002: “The French don’t know how to cook breakfast.”
57 To schoolboy who invited the Queen to Romford, Essex, 2003: “Ah, you’re the one who wrote the letter. So you can write then?”
58 To black politician Lord Taylor of Warwick, 1999: “And what exotic part of the world do you come from?”
59 To parents at a previously struggling Sheffield school, 2003: “Were you here in the bad old days? ... That’s why you can’t read and write then!”
60 To Andrew Adams, 13, in 1998: “You could do with losing a little bit of weight.”
61 “Where’s the Southern Comfort?” When presented with a hamper of goods by US ambassador, 1999.
62 To editor of downmarket tabloid: “Where are you from?” “The S*n, sir.” Philip: “Oh, no . . . one can’t tell from the outside.”
63 Turning down food, 2000: “No, I’d probably end up spitting it out over everybody.”
64 Asking Cate Blanchett to fix his DVD player because she worked “in the film industry”, 2008: “There’s a cord sticking out of the back. Might you tell me where it goes?”
55 At a Scottish fish farm: “Oh! You’re the people ruining the rivers.”
56 After a breakfast of bacon, eggs, smoked salmon, kedgeree, croissants and pain au chocolat – from Gallic chef Regis Crépy, 2002: “The French don’t know how to cook breakfast.”
57 To schoolboy who invited the Queen to Romford, Essex, 2003: “Ah, you’re the one who wrote the letter. So you can write then?”
58 To black politician Lord Taylor of Warwick, 1999: “And what exotic part of the world do you come from?”
59 To parents at a previously struggling Sheffield school, 2003: “Were you here in the bad old days? ... That’s why you can’t read and write then!”
60 To Andrew Adams, 13, in 1998: “You could do with losing a little bit of weight.”
61 “Where’s the Southern Comfort?” When presented with a hamper of goods by US ambassador, 1999.
62 To editor of downmarket tabloid: “Where are you from?” “The S*n, sir.” Philip: “Oh, no . . . one can’t tell from the outside.”
63 Turning down food, 2000: “No, I’d probably end up spitting it out over everybody.”
64 Asking Cate Blanchett to fix his DVD player because she worked “in the film industry”, 2008: “There’s a cord sticking out of the back. Might you tell me where it goes?”
65 “People think there’s a rigid class system here, but dukes have even been known to marry chorus girls. Some have even married Americans.” 2000.
66 After hearing President Obama had had breakfast with leaders of the UK, China and Russia, 2010: “Can you tell the difference between them?”
67 On students from Brunei, 1998: “I don’t know how they’re going to integrate in places like Glasgow and Sheffield.”
68 On Princess Anne, 1970: “If it doesn’t fart or eat hay, she isn’t interested.”
69 To wheelchair-bound nursing-home resident, 2002: “Do people trip over you?”
70 Discussing tartan with then-Scottish Tory leader Annabel Goldie last year: “That’s a nice tie... Do you have any knickers in that material?”
71 To a group of industrialists in 1961: “I’ve never been noticeably reticent about talking on subjects about which I know nothing.”
72 On a crocodile he shot in Gambia in 1957: “It’s not a very big one, but at least it’s dead and it took an awful lot of killing!”
73 On being made Chancellor of Edinburgh University in 1953: “Only a Scotsman can really survive a Scottish education.”
74 “I must be the only person in Britain glad to see the back of that plane.” He hated the noise Concorde made flying over Buckingham Palace, 2002
75 To a fashion designer, 2009: “Well, you didn’t design your beard too well, did you?”
76 To the General Dental Council in 1960: “Dontopedalogy is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it, which I’ve practised for many years.”
77 On stroking a koala in 1992: “Oh no, I might catch some ghastly disease.”
78 On marriage in 1997: “You can take it from me the Queen has the quality of tolerance in abundance.”
79 To schoolchildren in blood-red uniforms, 1998: “It makes you all look like Dracula’s daughters!”
80 “I don’t think a prostitute is more moral than a wife, but they are doing the same thing.” 1988.
81 To female Labour MPs in 2000: “So this is feminist corner then.”
82 On Nottingham Forest trophies in 1999: “I suppose I’d get in trouble if I were to melt them down.”
83 “It’s my custom to say something flattering to begin with so I shall be excused if I put my foot in it later on.” 1956.
84 To a penniless student in 1998: “Why don’t you go and live in a hostel to save cash?”
85 On robots colliding, Science Museum, 2000: “They’re not mating are they?”
86 While stuck in a Heriot Watt University lift in 1958: “This could only happen in a technical college.”
87 To newsreader Michael Buerk, when told he knew about the Duke of Edinburgh’s Gold Awards, 2004: “That’s more than you know about anything else then.”
88 To a British student in China, 1986: “If you stay here much longer, you’ll go home with slitty eyes.”
89 To journalist Caroline Wyatt, who asked if the Queen was enjoying a Paris trip, 2006: “Damn fool question!”
90 On smoke alarms to a woman who lost two sons in a fire, 1998: “They’re a damn nuisance - I’ve got one in my bathroom and every time I run my bath the steam sets it off.”
66 After hearing President Obama had had breakfast with leaders of the UK, China and Russia, 2010: “Can you tell the difference between them?”
67 On students from Brunei, 1998: “I don’t know how they’re going to integrate in places like Glasgow and Sheffield.”
68 On Princess Anne, 1970: “If it doesn’t fart or eat hay, she isn’t interested.”
69 To wheelchair-bound nursing-home resident, 2002: “Do people trip over you?”
70 Discussing tartan with then-Scottish Tory leader Annabel Goldie last year: “That’s a nice tie... Do you have any knickers in that material?”
71 To a group of industrialists in 1961: “I’ve never been noticeably reticent about talking on subjects about which I know nothing.”
72 On a crocodile he shot in Gambia in 1957: “It’s not a very big one, but at least it’s dead and it took an awful lot of killing!”
73 On being made Chancellor of Edinburgh University in 1953: “Only a Scotsman can really survive a Scottish education.”
74 “I must be the only person in Britain glad to see the back of that plane.” He hated the noise Concorde made flying over Buckingham Palace, 2002
75 To a fashion designer, 2009: “Well, you didn’t design your beard too well, did you?”
76 To the General Dental Council in 1960: “Dontopedalogy is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it, which I’ve practised for many years.”
77 On stroking a koala in 1992: “Oh no, I might catch some ghastly disease.”
78 On marriage in 1997: “You can take it from me the Queen has the quality of tolerance in abundance.”
79 To schoolchildren in blood-red uniforms, 1998: “It makes you all look like Dracula’s daughters!”
80 “I don’t think a prostitute is more moral than a wife, but they are doing the same thing.” 1988.
81 To female Labour MPs in 2000: “So this is feminist corner then.”
82 On Nottingham Forest trophies in 1999: “I suppose I’d get in trouble if I were to melt them down.”
83 “It’s my custom to say something flattering to begin with so I shall be excused if I put my foot in it later on.” 1956.
84 To a penniless student in 1998: “Why don’t you go and live in a hostel to save cash?”
85 On robots colliding, Science Museum, 2000: “They’re not mating are they?”
86 While stuck in a Heriot Watt University lift in 1958: “This could only happen in a technical college.”
87 To newsreader Michael Buerk, when told he knew about the Duke of Edinburgh’s Gold Awards, 2004: “That’s more than you know about anything else then.”
88 To a British student in China, 1986: “If you stay here much longer, you’ll go home with slitty eyes.”
89 To journalist Caroline Wyatt, who asked if the Queen was enjoying a Paris trip, 2006: “Damn fool question!”
90 On smoke alarms to a woman who lost two sons in a fire, 1998: “They’re a damn nuisance - I’ve got one in my bathroom and every time I run my bath the steam sets it off.”
APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE THAT EXPRESSES A WISE OR CLEVER
OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH.
1. The nicest thing about the future is . . . that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at
all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to
become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important.. . .because they demonstrate how many
people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else
looks?
9. Scratch a cat . . . and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a
car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m.
- like, it could be the right number.
13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.
15. Be careful about reading the fine print. .. . . there's no way you're
going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size
bucket.
17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old
ladies running around with tattoos?
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in
a Cadillac than in a Yugo.
19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably
dead.
20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind . . . . and
the ones that mind don't matter.
21. Life isn't tied with a bow . . . but it's still a gift.
and REMEMBER....
"POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON".
OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH.
1. The nicest thing about the future is . . . that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at
all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to
become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important.. . .because they demonstrate how many
people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else
looks?
9. Scratch a cat . . . and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a
car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m.
- like, it could be the right number.
13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.
15. Be careful about reading the fine print. .. . . there's no way you're
going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size
bucket.
17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old
ladies running around with tattoos?
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in
a Cadillac than in a Yugo.
19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably
dead.
20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind . . . . and
the ones that mind don't matter.
21. Life isn't tied with a bow . . . but it's still a gift.
and REMEMBER....
"POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON".
Quotes
The Charles Schulz Philosophy
(This is marvellous!! Scroll thru slowly and read carefully to receive and enjoy full effect)
The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the 'Peanuts' comic strip.
You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just ponder on them.
Just read the e-mail straight through, and you'll get the point.
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.
4 Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.
These are no second-rate achievers.
They are the best in their fields.
But the applause dies..
Awards tarnish..
Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
Easier?
The lesson:
The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money...or the most awards.
They simply are the ones who care the most
Pass this on to those people who have either made a difference in your life, or whom you keep close in your heart, like I did
'Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in New Zealand and Australia!'
''Be Yourself. Everyone Else Is Taken!"
(This is marvellous!! Scroll thru slowly and read carefully to receive and enjoy full effect)
The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the 'Peanuts' comic strip.
You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just ponder on them.
Just read the e-mail straight through, and you'll get the point.
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.
4 Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.
These are no second-rate achievers.
They are the best in their fields.
But the applause dies..
Awards tarnish..
Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
Easier?
The lesson:
The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money...or the most awards.
They simply are the ones who care the most
Pass this on to those people who have either made a difference in your life, or whom you keep close in your heart, like I did
'Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in New Zealand and Australia!'
''Be Yourself. Everyone Else Is Taken!"
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
<><>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
<><>
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
<><>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
<><>
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<><>
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
<><>
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
<><>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
<><>
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
<><>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
<><>
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
<><>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
<><>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
<><>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
<><>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
<><>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
<><>
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
<><>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
<><>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
<><>
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
<><>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
<><>
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<><>
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
<><>
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
<><>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
<><>
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
<><>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
<><>
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
<><>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
<><>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
<><>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
<><>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
<><>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
<><>
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
<><>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. Chesterton Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. - Erma Bombeck Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police. - Anonymous Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform schools are for. - Mae West Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. - Benjamin Franklin Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? - H. L. Mencken The four most important words in any marriage..."I'll do the dishes." - Anonymous One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. - Oscar Wilde Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde |
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
- Winston Churchill
A fool and his money are soon elected.
- Will Rogers
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
- Will Rogers
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.
- Oscar Wilde
You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.
- Winston Churchill
A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
- H. L. Mencken
- Winston Churchill
A fool and his money are soon elected.
- Will Rogers
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
- Will Rogers
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.
- Oscar Wilde
You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.
- Winston Churchill
A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
- H. L. Mencken
Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man
... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money. - George Carlin |
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile,
but that would be beating a dead horse. - Woody Allen I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
- Woody Allen ‘Success breeds complacency. Complacency breeds failure. Only the paranoid survive.’
Andy Grove When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action.
They rented out my room. - Woody Allen |
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
- Woody Allen In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
- Woody Allen |
Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. - Albert Einstein When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein |
I had a terrible education.
I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. - Woody Allen I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch.
My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. - Woody Allen Bachelors know more about women than married men;
if they didn't they'd be married too. - H. L. Mencken |
Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin
The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign." - the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
|